Randomness

So this might be short, or it could be very long. I'm not really writing to update everyone. I'm really writing to share my random thoughts. I guess you could say I have lots of time on my hands. There is so much I think about. I think maybe I should put it out there so my brain doesn't explode. Well, I've been watching Sex and the City. Ryan got the collection for me for our anniversary. I just finished all six seasons and watched the first movie. Watching these episodes brings back so many memories. It makes me think of all the fun times I spent with my friends. I have many best friends. I know people say you can only have one best friend, but I think that is whooie. There was a time that I hung out with 3 specific girls all the time. Every weekend we were together. The only thing that changed was where the night got started. These 3 girls are Angie, April, and Liz. We were inseparable for the longest time. We did everything together and shared every secret with each other. Looking back, I just can't believe how so much has changed. My birthday is in 2 days. Back then, the evening would have been planned already. We would get together at someone's house before we went out for the evening. This year I have to go to work for 4 hours. That is so depressing to me. Fortunately, I get to spend the day with Abrielle. Then I get to spend some of the time with Ryan when he gets off work. So my plan is to celebrate both of our birthdays on Memorial Day. We both have the day off, so why not? You know, I can go a while without crying, but there are times when I think about my friends and family, and it hurts because I miss them so much. I just think it's amazing what we do and how we change for love. I love Ryan with all my heart. I would die if anything happened to him, but that doesn't change the fact that I get homesick...a lot. I don't think Ryan will ever read this, but if I shared how homesick I get with him, he would feel guilty. He would think it is all his fault. It's not his fault. I chose to move far away. I chose this life because I love him. Something brought us back together. You know, God knows everything. He knows the path we plan on taking. I really think He had a hand in getting us back together. I mean, really. If He didn't, then why do we have such a wonderful, beautiful daughter together? So Ryan, if you do read this, you need to know that I have no regrets. Just because I have no regrets doesn't mean I can't miss my family and friends. I've been told that one day family will become more important than friends. I don't see why my friends can't be considered part of that family. The friends who I have in my life who I hold near and dear to my heart will forever be there. Angie, April, Elizabeth, Cassie, Cristi, Sandra, and Laura. I love you all dearly. Each of you have played a very significant role in my life. I would never take any of it away. Some of you I have known since the 4th grade. Some of you I met through college. Some of you I met through work. However we met, I am so grateful. Can you imagine how different our lives would be if we NEVER met? I don't think I want to imagine. It hurts being away from you, but I would rather it hurt than to never have met you in the first place.
So besides having best "girl"friends in my life, I have other people who are also very close to me. This one guy has been in my life for 11 years now. I never thought we would be where we are today, but I'm so glad it came to this. Ryan is truly my best friend. He knows the best and worst parts of me and still loves me. He spoils me every chance he can get. I know I don't show my appreciation for him enough, but everyone should know that I love him with all my heart and can't imagine my life without him. I mean seriously. If anything ever happened to him, the only reason my life would continue is because I have a daughter. If Abrielle didn't exist, and something tragic happened to Ryan, my life would be over. So I really try not to think about it. I know, in my heart, that God has planned for us to live a long life together. I hope we die together in our sleep at a very, very old age. Then our spirits can go to heaven together. I love you, Ryan. So don't you forget that...ever.
So who else is important to me? Well, Dustin, you are pretty awesome. I can remember how we used to fight all the time when we were younger. I used to get you in trouble all the time. People would say when we got older we would be best of friends. Ha. We never thought it true, but look at us now. I couldn't ask for a better big brother. I love that we both had daughters so close in age. I know we don't live close, but I hope to think that one day we will live closer. I would love if our children could grow up together. I love you, bub.
Jagger, if you actually read this, you should know that I am proud to be your older sister. It's so funny to look at where you are in your life. It wasn't long ago I was in the same place. Maybe we were doing different things, but still, I remember being 16. I want nothing but the best for you. I love you, Jag.
So my grandparents are pretty awesome too. Since I got married, I gained a few grandparents. I think that's pretty awesome. When you get married, you gain more than just a husband and a different last name. I know the movies portray the spouses family as crazy, but I am lucky to have gained the people who have supported Ryan for all of his life. Thank you to all of my grandparents for being awesome.
Parents. I am now a parent. Crazy. Why is it you have to have a child before you truly appreciate how wonderful your parents are? My parents are divorced. I think divorce sucks. I never want to get divorced, especially since I've had a child, because, like I said, they suck. Even though my parents got divorced, I think they did the best they could. They both love me very much. I love them so much as well. Thank goodness for technology because this separation would be much harder without it. I'm not sure exactly what my mom and dad think about the choices I've made, but I would hope that they would be proud for the most part. Not being just a 15 minute drive away has been really hard. At least they're just a phone call away. I will take what I can get. Like I said before, when you get married, you gain more than just a husband. My in-laws are pretty awesome. They have supported us and having more people in my life who love us makes my life that much better.
So basically, I miss everyone. I miss my family. I miss my friends. Thank goodness I have Ryan and Abrielle in my life because otherwise, I'm not sure how I could get through life.
So some more random thoughts....
I've been working out maybe 4 times a week. I try to eat better as well. I'm trying to make sure my abdominal muscles get some strength back before I get pregnant again. I want to get pregnant before the end of the year. I've heard over and over again about how hard it is to lose the baby weight after the second baby and how you start showing so much sooner with the second one because your abdominal muscles are so stretched out. I really don't want that to happen to me. So I'm trying to avoid that by getting back into shape now. I want to have another baby so close to the first one because of the following: I want to have both children before I'm 30. I want to have my second child in Hawaii, not Guam. I want my children to be close in age. Do I care if I have a boy or girl? Yes and no. I know Ryan really wants to have a boy, but it doesn't really matter to me. Basically, as long as the baby is healthy, then it doesn't matter. I have some fears about having another child. My biggest fear is neglecting Abrielle. She won't get as much attention anymore. My poor dog doesn't get the attention he used to get. I know I'll love the second child just as much as Abrielle, but it still makes me nervous to have a second child because I love Abrielle so much. Does that make sense? My second biggest fear, it's kind of superficial, is that I won't be able to get back in shape as quickly as I did this time. I really don't want to let myself go. People say that having one child you think you have no time and get no sleep, but after you have a second child then your life is over. I don't want that. I think it's important to still make time for yourself. If I neglect myself, then I think I will be unhappy. An unhappy mom is not a good thing. I want to have smart babies. I want them to go to college and have a better life than I did. I'm not saying my life was bad, but there are choices I made that could have been different. I know my children will make mistakes, but I don't want them to make the same mistakes I made. I want them to be better than me.
It's so crazy that I'm taking care of a little person. She depends on me for everything. If she needs fed, I feed her. If she needs a diaper change, I change it. If she needs a bath, I give her a bath. If she didn't have me and Ryan, then what? I just can't imagine my baby girl growing up without parents. I would do anything for her. Maybe I'm weird, but I think about what I would do if some stranger broke into my home to steal my child. I could seriously see myself injuring the intruder in order to protect my baby girl. No one messes with my family. No one. So I pray that God continues to watch over us. He has given me so many wonderful things in my life. I know I haven't shown enough appreciation for him. I mean, really. Who would give their only son up so that everyone else could be forgiven? That's the biggest sacrifice. I can't imagine giving Abrielle up so some stranger can go to heaven. I'm way to selfish.
I think sometimes I could listen better. Have you ever had a conversation with someone but don't remember what it was about because you were in your own head thinking of other things? I do that all the time. That's not good. I think when others are sharing things about their lives, they deserve your attention. You would want the same from them, right? I need to try harder.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? I could think of several things. They're mostly superficial. How unfortunate that society has made us to think we're not perfect the way God made us to be. We think we need to change things about ourselves to be accepted by all of society. We still feel the need to change superficial things about ourselves even when we find someone who overlooks our flaws and loves us just the way we are. And who's to say they're flaws? Maybe our "flaws" aren't flaws after all. Maybe the people that lack our flaws are flawed themselves because they try too hard to be something they're not.
So what is your take on the fact that when I lived in Washington we only had one set of guests? I know we only lived there for like 4 months, but no one, besides Ryan's grandparents had any plans to come see us. Now that we live in paradise, our summer is jam packed full. So if we were still in Washington, our future visits from guests would be empty. Hmmm. What's your excuse? Washington is depressing and there's nothing to do? Um, we lived in Washington. Are we not enough of an attraction to come visit? We have to live on a beautiful island to have people come visit? Ok, so I'm just venting a little and throwing out what pops in my head. Whatever. Would I visit a friend or family member if they moved to Washington? I guess it depends on who it was.
It's crazy. Sometimes I forget I live in Hawaii until I look up when I'm driving and see the beautiful green mountains. When I see the forecast says nothing but sun, I feel like I need to take advantage of it because I'll be leaving soon, when in reality, I'll be living on an island for at least another 3 years.
If you would have told me 5 years ago I would be married to Ryan, living in Hawaii, and raising a beautiful daughter, I would have laughed. I just can't believe where my life has taken me. I think I'm pretty lucky. Not everyone gets the chance to visit Hawaii. It's the closest thing on earth to heaven. Not only is it beautiful to look at, but the weather is nearly perfect.
I think I would be fine if I was a permanent stay at home mom. I know it's "good" for me to work, but do I really have to? I don't know. I'm trying to make friends here. I hate not being able to get in my car and drive to a friends house and talk about our husbands if I want to. "Oh, you have an open personality. You'll make friends easily." Well, guess what? I haven't. I am trying to start a friendly relationship with Jessica. It's funny. I move clear across the country, across the ocean, and I'm making friends with someone who is from Indiana. What does that say about me? I don't know. We're the same? We can relate to one another because we came from the same place? Either way, her friendship is welcome.
When I encounter new people, sometimes after I go home, I replay the things I said to them. I really don't want to offend people. I think sometimes when I'm joking, people might take it the wrong way.
Who am I, and how do people perceive me? Is that really important? Maybe it's only important to do what makes you happy and be who you are when you are by yourself. I think people are really actors in their own lives. Meaning, they act how others want them to. I think people act differently around different types of people. I think they do it without realizing it. How you act when you're by yourself is probably the most real you'll be.
So you know the whole reality tv shows. What makes their lives so interesting? Maybe my current day to day life isn't interesting, but the events that led up to it are pretty fun to listen to. I think it's pathetic some people are famous and make millions of dollars just because someone else thought their life was interesting enough to put on television. Am I jealous? I'm jealous they make enough money they don't have to have a car payment.
You know, it's getting late. Sorry to have talked your ear off. I kind of needed to get things off my chest. Hope you enjoyed. Feel free to ask questions.